Monday, March 29, 2010

Inner vs. Outer Worth

My Dove chocolate had the greatest inspirational thought:

Happiness is an inside job

Not rocket science, I know. But our insides are all these tangled webs of insecurity, happiness, fear, love, hate, anxiety and, well, every emotion, thought, and feeling we could ever experience. I have come to find out that I base a lot of my happiness on how others perceive me, how I think that others perceive me, and how successful I am in the typical life things. Obviously, all of these are in flux at any given moment. I feel like the fact that I try really hard to make strong relationships, treat myself well, and be a good person aren't actually adding up to much happiness. The "trying" part isn't enough lately. I say to myself that I am "trying" but then I know that it is all about outward action.

I have tried very hard this year to have relationships with people. I have let hurtful people go and reached out to those who I value as friends. I have had some difficult times with trust in the past few years but losing hope and faith in everyone just isn't going to be an option. I vowed to myself in the "New Year's Resolution" form that I would say "yes" to any invitation I received. Barring that of schedule conflicts, illness, or money, I have always accepted an invitation to hang out or be social, even though it may not have been all that easy. I have reached out to people as well (proactive, damn it) and although I don't always get what I was hoping for, I know that I made the attempt and that is far better than doing nothing.

Same goes for my health, both physical and mental. I worked out this morning at a gym...oh goodness! A real, true gym. I have crazy insecurities that kept coming up at my last gym so I hoped that this one would be different. I instantly felt better at this one because it was early in the morning, few people, very relaxed atmosphere, and most of the people were over 50. I had no idea this would be so calming! I cared less about my jiggly bits and more about the fact that, thank god, I was making an effort. The showers were open style and the women were just beautiful in their naked confidence and genuine smiles. I pushed myself outside of my boundaries and just stripped, showered, and got ready for my day.

I have to do that sometimes-push myself to do even the easiest things. It's almost ridiculous how often I have to do it, even little things like speak up when I have been overcharged or passing a slow driver on a narrow street, but it makes a difference. I know that I have to push myself as I keep moving forward in graduate school as well. My social anxieties are going to be screaming at me but after all this work and effort, I am damn sure I am going to make the most of what comes next.

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