Perhaps a reflective mood

I have been at work all day looking at apartments and jobs. I have absolutely come to the realization that I am psyching myself out. I had a plan for the immediate future that was wholly destroyed earlier this week. My first mode was to protect myself, make sure I was okay and to try and make the best of things. Secondly, I continued looking for apartments, albeit ones that I can afford alone and that I will move to alone. Thirdly, my job search went from "what I have a passion for" to "what could I be decently happy with and still make money."

I feel much more afraid than I thought I would have and have the serious doubt of life going on in me. I know I can do this but there is this other side that says I will have to compromise with what Portland offers at the time. The temptation to flee to a cheaper, trendy, safer and new city is promising but I know that I don't have the guts or money to do that right now. Plus, my mother is incredibly excited to get me back up to Portland instead of only seeing me for random days every few months.

I don't just have rent/car bills to worry about paying because it would be so much easier if that were the case. I have debt from the last 8ish years including some impending student loans. I completely admit that my debt is from lack of knowledge, avoidance of the truth, trying to keep up with everyone else and generally just trying to enjoy life the best I can. There is debt from dental, computers, vacations, rent (yes, I know), tires, clothing, etc. that I really can only 50%
justify and even that is iffy.

Perhaps when I am truly single and on my own again, I can feel much more relaxed and focus on work and not spend so much. Before last summer, I had done well with paying down my credit cards and whatnot but with the induction of a new person into my habitation, I began spending on food and little weekend fun things. The cards went up and up and even though that person is helping to pay those down, they are still significant in the grand scheme of things.

Difficulty builds character. Some of the most rewarding things are the choices we make. It's all for the best. You were putting a lot in and getting very little out.

I completely agree.

This isn't just about money. My life has taken quite the drastic shift this week and I feel deflated but know that it is so much worse to continue on in a cloud of denial. Even if I live in a shitty apartment with barely any furniture and living on fabulously livened up mac & cheese, I will know that at least I can count on the people in my life.