Friday, February 26, 2010

Quote of the Day

"Often we don't even realize who we're meant to be because we're so busy trying to live out someone else's ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny."
- Oprah Winfrey


I am going to change the name of my blog to Awkward Girl. I astound myself in how awkward I can be sometimes. I hate (hate, hate) making small talk and trying to be clever yet relaxed. I am a people pleaser and absolutely hate looking stupid.

To go along with my awkwardness, I am going to be teaching/presenting a 12-week program for people who are working on getting employment and all that that entails. I have to come off as confident, knowledgable, and relatable. How in the hells do I do that? I want to be incredibly self-assured and make sure that not only those I am teaching but also my supervisor and co-workers see me as someone who is organized, has things together, and can really be independent in the projects that they give me. I have the constant voice in my head (just one...most of the time) saying "Just do it," "Pretend you are confident," "You have skills and experience." These aren't lies but they are things that I forget about all the time. It is difficult being an adult. They never tell you this stuff in high school....usually only in therapy sessions and horrible reality tv shows about drug addiction and anger management.

I also notice myself having quite elaborate conversations with myself, in my head. Is this strange? Do other people do this too?

Monday, February 22, 2010

Three Things

Three things that made me happy today:

Figuring out how to fix my hair:

Loving my cute new (and cheap) necklace from Forever 21:

Getting accepted to a school other than PSU (which I haven't technically been accepted to yet):

Oh and.....a few more......
Dead Like Me: Odd show, oddly intriguing
200 calorie DiGiorno pizzas: The crust actually gets crispy!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Just one of those weeks...

Do you ever have a week that is literally a waste? a wash? Nothing actually happened?

How strange that a week went by and I feel like I have done nothing.

Oh yes, that's right, I developed benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV). BPPV is caused by a problem in the inner ear. Tiny calcium "stones" inside your inner ear canals help you keep your balance. Normally, when you move a certain way, such as when you stand up or turn your head, these stones move around. But things like infection or inflammation can stop the stones from moving as they should. This sends a false message to your brain and affects your balance. (Read more)

Sounds exciting, doesn't it? Mostly, it makes you feel stupid because nothing looks wrong with you but it makes you crazy dizzy and somewhat incoherent. All I can say is thank goodness I started my job and my job has insurance. First time in six years that I had it and it was really comforting. Apparently, a lot of people have had colds/flus this season and some weird things happen as a result that linger or appear some time after the initial sickness. It is kind of like your body gets over the virus but there is a going away present.

I am now the proud owner of the NeilMed Sinus Rinse, which is actually as disturbing as it sounds. I did it earlier and although it does feel better, I don't think I will get used to the sensation of pushing water through my face. This action is suppose to loosen the "stones" and let them move around easier. This, along with some Sudafed, should help things get going a bit. My doctor talked about my frequency of migraines as well so a multivitamin was purchased and I will need to buy some magnesium here pretty soon. I had her write everything little detail down since I am super out of it.

At work, I feel pretty bad since I missed a majority of the week. I was working from home this afternoon and each phone call I made was not making sense so I stopped after a few people, finished up some things online and then took a crazy long nap. I am chalking up this weekend to recovery and laundry. Monday will be the start to a new week and I can only hope things get better from here.

Good grief!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Lent & Balance

Everyone and their mother are giving up something for Lent. Whether you are Catholic or not, Lent tends to be folded into everyones' plans this time of year. There is the straight gluttony from Halloween through New Year's and then the resolutions come and go and then Valentine's Day candy is here. Lent can be a way to refocus what we had set out to do earlier in the year or just to challenge ourselves.

In September, I gave up chocolate. Did pretty well, too. Then came Christmas and since then, I have indulged here or there. The worst was over the last two weeks with stress and temptation of chocolate dressed up in red and pink foil or a cute M&M package. Evil, I say.

So now that Lent is upon me, I can restart my "no chocolate" deal and add something to the mix: no meat. Unfortunately, I thought about the second part of this pact with myself later in the day after I had already eaten my crazy veggie-chicken pizza from last night. I think I will allow myself to eat what is left of the pizza for lunch tomorrow and then call it good until my birthday. I rarely eat meat as it is so this can be an extra test of my skills. I have become quite off balanced the past few weeks so it is time to step it up.

Speaking of off balance, I am currently having issues with balance. Yesterday, I began feeling this weird spinning sensation, which I thought was due to dehydration or low blood sugar (my typical culprits) but then it continued and continued. I had to call in sick today because I felt I was more a liability than an active worker. I am having trouble walking and only seem to feel relief when I lay down and close my eyes. Even after a great night's sleep, something wasn't right. I am going to see how tomorrow goes and then call a doctor if I need to. I have health insurance now (no way!) so I can possibly afford to see a rare in my life. I was relying heavily on student health these past few years that the thought of having to scout out a doctor is a little scary. My biggest fear? Being the "sick girl" at work. I let it happen at my last job with stress and the passing flus and felt so weak and stupid because of it.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Do You Knock on Wood?

Knocking on wood, The expression is usually used in the hope that a good thing will continue to occur after it has been acknowledged. So, for example, one might say: "The rain looks like it's holding, knock on wood", or "Knock on wood, I'm much better now." Another example would be "I have never had to use my gun before, knock on wood"

The phrase "knock on wood" is considered a superstition. People use this phrase and the action it describes to prevent bad luck. For instance, you may be discussing a particular event experienced by someone else and you may say, "It's never happened to me, knock on wood." You would then look around for a wooden surface to rap your knuckles on. You may also use the phrase if you are wishful that something would happen. For instance, you may be making plans for a trip this weekend, while telling someone your plans you may end the phrase with "knock on wood" to ward off any bad luck that might prevent your trip.

The exact origin of the phrase "knock on wood" is unknown, however many speculate that is could have come from rituals in early times where trees were considered sacred spirits. Others believe the phrase originated in Ireland. To knock on wood was to alert leprechauns that you were thanking them for giving you good luck. Another popular belief is that by knocking on wood you prevent the devil from hearing what you have just said, which in turn prevents the action from occurring. It is possible that the origination of the phrase "knock on wood" is derived from Christianity and the wood is a reference to the cross on which Jesus was crucified.

The earliest reference of the phrase "knock on wood" was recorded in the early 1900's. There are some references to a similar phrase, "touch wood," that were recorded in the late 1800's. "Touch wood" means essentially the same as "knock on wood." Today we more commonly use "knock on wood" rather that "touch wood".

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Cliches and Molecules

Why yes, yes I DO feel like a chicken with my head cut off! I truly wish it were my feet that I could cut off instead of the head since that seems to be working much better.

Why must men be the ones that get the comfortable footwear? I am in dire need to understand why women's shoes are quite so uncomfortable. I don't see Aerosoles making stilettos. It's a sign. Now, if every woman wore really comfortable, ugly shoes, I could easily pick up 10 pairs. Today, one hellish hour in a shoe store, one expensive pair of shoes that I can only hope will be my savior. Perhaps I was never meant to be fashionable. Something to ponder as I sleep tonight.

Another odd happenin' for last night's shopping trip: One pair of shoes by a fancy, reputable maker that was pricier. Same design and style of shoe at Target (Tar-jay, if need be) for half the price. I will SEE who comes out on top but let's hope that I didn't spend my brilliant Americorps living stipend on crap shoes. Ugh, sorry, just needed to vent about shoes and pain....agony!

In other more interesting news, yesterday I was able to attend the tour of Reed College's Nuclear Reactor. Oh my! It was actually pretty cool when you can look down in the 25 feet deep chamber of water and see the glowing blue lights. I was all about being a nerd and learning why we have nuclear power, why it is a good source of energy (Good job, France!) and what happens with neutrons go all crazy bonkers and instead of bouncing off other molecules, get bigger and multiple (Hello, Chernobyl). One wacky ex-AP Physics professor was definitely giving these poor undergraduate fellas a run for their money. He was launching into how the Russian nuclear engineers were criminals and should have worked in coal mines instead of being put in prison. Nice fella, a little loose in the nuts and bolts though.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Quick Post

I started a new job this week and after my first five days, I can tell that I love it there but it will have its stressful moments. Good stress, but there is always something to work on or think about. I have to retire that fact that in my former capacity as an Americorps member, we were always going in as newbies and treated as such. In this position, I need to get with program and quickly become an expert at organizing my thoughts and coordinating events. Also, I am learning how to use Microsoft Outlook and although it is an easy application, it does take time to get used to using the calender function, scheduling things in detail, and maintaining constant and clear communication. Luckily, the office and women I work with are awesome and easy to be around so that makes things much easier.

Another thing that I have to get used to: getting fancy dressed! Making up outfits that I can feel comfortable in and be fairly fashionable it a little difficult. Being a chunky girl in an office of average-sized women can be a little intimidating. It is funny but there is complete truth in the statement that we dress for others rather than for ourselves and BOTH guys and girls do it. We dress to impress other women because we want approval from our own "groups." There are some days that I love my outfits and others that I relish the day that I could go to work in jeans. I am very comfortable in my cardigan and tank top combos since I can buy pieces and group them together in endless combinations. Pants is another struggle but I did find the greatest pair of black pants last weekend that will become a staple in my wardrobe. Goal #1 of this weekend is to search through my boxes and remember any other "office chic" items that I may have accidentally packed.

Also, I may venture into the world of tights and skirts. Oh God! What has this world come to?!?

The best thing I have done for myself so far this year is making some pretty good revelations about my weaknesses and then consistently striving to overcome them on a daily basis. Little things like "Just do it" (Yes, I finally understand the force behind Nike's motto) and internally pushing myself to get over my "issues" and just do an amazing job. Good grief, we all really do stand in our own ways. Funny how that happens, isn't it? (ok, not funny ha-ha but funny ironic). Don't cha think?

(Cue Alanis Morrisette)